At Bebe Elementary, youngsters scuffle in the schoolyard... "Gimme da candee dawg!"
"Naw daw, leab me be!"
"Wait- what's dat up in da sky?" "Oh- It's a dolla bill!" "Naw daw- dat's my dollar bill!"
RICH-CRASH "It's just a guy."
"I saw the scuffle from above! Here, young thugs, take those Golden Tamagotchis
and leave your bully-ish ways behind."
"Looks like the day is saved!" "Come on, let's skip class and raise these digital pets!"
"What in the name of studious cessation?!"
"WAIT-RICHMAN! THE SCHOOL NEEDS YOUR HELP!"
"Our classrooms are deteriorating!" B: is for Broken!
"Our textbooks are prehistoric!" FROM DINEY-SAURS TO STEAMBOATS!
Written by Whistlin' Dixie Wilson 1912 Edition.
"Our teachers make minimum wage, and our test scores are in the toilets!"
"IF WE COULD JUST HAVE A MODEST INCREASE IN THE SCHOOL'S ANNUAL
PENNY-A-YEAR BUDGET-" Bebe Elementary
"NOT SO FAST WRETCHED PUBLIC SCHOOL TEACHER..." (fling)
"MONEY IS BEST SPENT BY THE RICH..."
"And, when school is on the line, we must leave no child behind." Kneel
"Tell me youngling, what do you want from school?"
"I HATE SCHOOL. SCHOOL CAN KISS MY BOOTY!"
"And what if I gave you a nifty one-thousand dollar bill every time you passed a test?"
"Ignorance is the curse of god, knowledge is the wing wherewith we fly to heaven." Shakespeare
"Sounds to me like the sweet poetry of capitalism."
And so Richman installed Academic Vending Machines in every class. AVM:
SCAN TEST SCORES HERE. VISAP.
And the Machines taught children...
SCAN TEST SCORES HERE. BEEP BEEP CONGRATULATIONS GOOD GRADE!
Spit spit spit spit spit
...that nothing is more important than high test scores...
"And today in class we're going to focus on the FCAT."
"Yippy!" "Yay!" "I love the money machine!"
...and as test scores increased, so did school funding.
"Just look at these beautiful scantrons. The school is positively in need of
maximum monetary assistance! Bebe Elem: 100% McPoor Elem: F 2%, Poorling Middle -000
Later... "Well, Richman, I've got to hand it to you. Scores are up, the school's got more money
than ever, and the kid's are happy..."
"...but at night, my soul is haunted by all this obsessive testing, and what it means for the
free-thinking future of our children." "Hmmmm..."
"Tell me young and impressionable pupils, what have you learned from school?"
"I want to work for Wall Street!"
"I want to be Donald Trump!"
"I'm gonna buy all de ice cream, an den I'm gonna move to Disney Worwld, an den... I'll have the
"It brings a tear to my eye to see the children of today understand the true value of education."
BLOT BLOT "My God..."