RICHMAN vs. THE NEWS

"BREAKING NEWS: Just who is the mysterious "Richman?" Today we interview survivors of 

this vigilante's expensive brand of justice. RICH MAN? WEALTHY OR RICH?" 

24/7 WGNBNBN NEWS

"There I was trying to rob some lady, and then that rich bastard showered my face with 

priceless gems! They all got away."

"I was just mindin' my own bidniz, shopliftin' and peepin' Tomin', when all-a-da sudden I see dat big 

green money cape swoopzin' up in my view. Den, all my shopliftin' goods wad replaced wid phat 

stackz of green eggs n' cheeze!"

"One second I was picking a pocket, the next, that Rich-Guy slapped a bag of gold in my lap 

and broke both my legs! I'd sue him but now I got these cool gold peg legs!"

"I can't TAKE IT anymore Barbara! This news is on 24 hours a day and it's non-stop jabbering 

nonsense!" "Then turn it off Murray." RICHMAN RICHMAN RICHMAN RICHMAN

"OH I'LL TURN IT OFF ALRIGHT."

Later at WGNBNBN studios. "And in other news today footage was discovered on the internet of 

adorable kitties. We've got our Kitty Corespondent Mr. Boopers to tell us all about it." "Meow." 

"HEY sir, you can't just barge in here-" WE GOT NEWS BABY, NEWS BABY, NEWS

24/7 "Our News Just Don't Stop" "NOBODY MOVE!" "My god, he's got a bomb! Cut to the 

kitten footage now!" ZOOP

"Don't you touch that dial!" THIS JUST IN: MAD BOMBER UP IN HERE!!! 

What in the name of news do you want? WGNBNBN

"I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I WANT! I want to live in a world where news isn't just crapped 

out 24 hours a day!" 24/7 NEWS

"News shouldn't be influenced by ratings and the need to sensationalize every last morsel of 

information with the blood, filth, and money!" UP NEXT... MONEY MURDERZ 

RATINGS ROCKET AS MAD BOMBER MAKES DEMANDS

"This sounds like a job for Richman!" CRASH "It's Richman!" "We're saved!"

"Stop right there! WE MUST KEEP MONEY OUT OF THE MEDIA!!" 

TONIGHT'S NEWS IS SPONSERED BY VISAP 

Hmm, Looks like a job for money!

DID YOU NOT JUST HEAR WHAT I SAID? DO YOU NOT SEE ME ABOUT TO BLOW 

US ALL UP?!

"What I see is a man on the brink... of making a lot of money."

"And in other news today a terrorist plot was foiled by Richman, who paid Murray Fitzgerlad 2 

billion dollars to take over WGNBNBN news network. RICHMAN SAVES NEWS STATION! 

FHNN Fancy Hats News Network "We're fancy 24/7"

Murray plans to turn the network into a 6-hour-a-day non-commercial new channel that takes 

its time to deliver the news in a thought provoking manner which will undoubtedly fail 

to gain anyone's interest. And now for our top story:

ADORABLE KITTENS! FHNN

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GOLDILOCKS: A BEDTIME STORY AS TOLD BY RICHMAN

As a raging inferno consumes the Gloomy Gallows Orphange, brave fireman rescue the tiny 

orphans. "Cough-cough!" "We are so tiny and poor!" "Wait! One tiny orphan is still trapped

inside!"

"Help! My tiny crutches are caught in the gruel dispenser!"

"Stand back folks- the fire rages too fiercely! Nothing can be done!" "NONSENSE! There's

nothing money can't solve!"

CRASH AAAAAHHHHHHHHH

"Hold fast to my expensive and golden flame proof claw machine, youngster!"

"AHHHHH" SCOOP DROP "AHHHHHHHHHH" CATCH

"You SAVED me Mr...?"

"Bravo!" Hurray!" RICHMAN

Later... "Rest now, young Timmy, beneath the garbage blanklets to which you are accustomed.

"Mr. Richman, will you tell me a bedtime story?" "But of course my small poorling."

Once upon a time, there was a young girl named Goldilocks...

One day, Goldilocks broke into the three bear's house, and there, on the table, were three

bowls of gold. "Oooooo."

The first bowl.... didn't have enough gold. "Hmmm."

The second bowl... also didn't have enough gold. "Hmph!"

The third bowl... had more gold than the first two but it still wasn't enough. "Grrrrr."

So she took all three bowls and invested them.... "I'll take 2,000,000 shares please."

Then she fell asleep... "ZZZZZZZZZ" And when she awoke... "YAAWN"

She was rich! (STOCK'S VALUE SKY ROCKETS!)

And she took the gold and melted it down, and plated her locks with it...

"I'm RIIIICH."

And it was so heavy, it weighed her down, and she had to walk with a golden cane. Because

wealth is a burden.

But the bears she robbed were low-income bears who lived beyond their means,

low-income bears who lived beyond their means, and it was okay that she stole from them...

SOUP KITCHEN

Because she was a job creator, and she gave each bear a new job...

"Go forth to the mines!"

And she paid them half a penny a day. Minus half a penny for lunch.

SNATCH BEOOP

And they all lived happily ever after. "ZZZZZZZZ"

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RICHMAN vs. OLD AGE

Somewhere in the city, an unsuspecting grandma crosses the street. "What a beautiful day." 

"Move it you crazy old hag!!"

Mere  blocks away... VROOOM BEIGEHOUND

"What a beautiful day for a drive! Thank goodness I'm such a good driver I don't even have 

to look at the road!"

"Oh my word! That old woman is going to get hit by that bus!" "Sweet beauty is everywhere!"

"STOP IN THE NAME OF MONEY!"

"WHAT IN THE HELL-FILLED SKIES?!?" SWEERVE

SCREECH

"You saved me!" "T'was merely small change madam."

"Huah? What did you say?"

"I said in the future you should be more careful when you cross the road, madam!" "WHAT'S 
THAT? SPEAK UP SONNY!"

"Hmm, it appears this madam is hard of hearing." "WHA?"

"I'LL SAVE YOU!" "What shampoo?"

Two hours later at a state-of-the-art medical facility...

"How are you feeling madam?"

"I CAN HEAR AS NEVER BEFORE! AND I LOOK TWENTY! What happened to me??"

"2 million dollars worth of advanced youth restoration & plastic surgery."

"How can I ever repay you?!" "You don't owe me anything madam!"

"You just owe the surgeons two million dollars."

"What?"

"Don't worry, you can pay us in easy installments of five thousand dollars a month for the rest of 

your life." 97% Interstate Approved* *Rates may change whenver 

"But I'm 92 years old and I live off welfare!"

"WELFARE!? IT'S PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHO BLEED THIS COUNTRY DRY!"

"Take her away boys!" "Sorry ma'am, you're under arrest."

"Thanks Richman! People shouldn't pay for what they can't afford."

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