RICHMAN vs. SCHOOL

At Bebe Elementary, youngsters scuffle in the schoolyard... "Gimme da candee dawg!" 

"Naw daw, leab me be!" 

"Wait- what's dat up in da sky?" "Oh- It's a dolla bill!" "Naw daw- dat's my dollar bill!"

RICH-CRASH "It's just a guy." 

"I saw the scuffle from above! Here, young thugs, take those Golden Tamagotchis 

and leave your bully-ish ways behind."

"Looks like the day is saved!" "Come on, let's skip class and raise these digital pets!"

"What in the name of studious cessation?!"

"WAIT-RICHMAN! THE SCHOOL NEEDS YOUR HELP!"

"Our classrooms are deteriorating!" B: is for Broken!

"Our textbooks are prehistoric!" FROM DINEY-SAURS TO STEAMBOATS! 

Written by Whistlin' Dixie Wilson 1912 Edition.

"Our teachers make minimum wage, and our test scores are in the toilets!"

"IF WE COULD JUST HAVE A MODEST INCREASE IN THE SCHOOL'S ANNUAL 

PENNY-A-YEAR BUDGET-" Bebe Elementary

"NOT SO FAST WRETCHED PUBLIC SCHOOL TEACHER..." (fling) 

"MONEY IS BEST SPENT BY THE RICH..."

"And, when school is on the line, we must leave no child behind." Kneel

"Tell me youngling, what do you want from school?"

"I HATE SCHOOL. SCHOOL CAN KISS MY BOOTY!" 

"And what if I gave you a nifty one-thousand dollar bill every time you passed a test?"

"Ignorance is the curse of god, knowledge is the wing wherewith we fly to heaven." Shakespeare 

HENRY VI

"Sounds to me like the sweet poetry of capitalism."

And so Richman installed Academic Vending Machines in every class. AVM:

SCAN TEST SCORES HERE. VISAP.

And the Machines taught children...

SCAN TEST SCORES HERE. BEEP BEEP CONGRATULATIONS GOOD GRADE! 

Spit spit spit spit spit

...that nothing is more important than high test scores...

"And today in class we're going to focus on the FCAT."

"Yippy!" "Yay!" "I love the money machine!"

...and as test scores increased, so did school funding.

"Just look at these beautiful scantrons. The school is positively in need of 

maximum monetary assistance! Bebe Elem: 100% McPoor Elem: F 2%, Poorling Middle -000

Later... "Well, Richman, I've got to hand it to you. Scores are up, the school's got more money 

than ever, and the kid's are happy..."

"...but at night, my soul is haunted by all this obsessive testing, and what it means for the

free-thinking future of our children." "Hmmmm..."

"Tell me young and impressionable pupils, what have you learned from school?"

"I want to work for Wall Street!" 

"I want to be Donald Trump!" 

"I'm gonna buy all de ice cream, an den I'm gonna move to Disney Worwld, an den... I'll have the 

ice cweam." 

"It brings a tear to my eye to see the children of today understand the true value of education." 

BLOT BLOT "My God..."

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RICHMAN vs. HIS ARCH NEMESIS, PART 2

(CLICK HERE TO READ PART 1)

RICHMAN STRIKES BACK 

It was the dawn of a peaceful day at Granola Greengrass's money-free farm. Hard workers 

exchanged their labors for food, and in turn, they farmed the earth. Greengrass Barter Farms 

Everyone made what they used and used what they made, and there was a place for everyone. 

Here you go wheelchair Johnson, you can roll these berries to those hard workin' farmers. 

I would love to! 

Then.... "Look up in the sky. It's a jet plane!" "No it's three jet planes!" "Oh no, it's-"

RICHMAN "Buttworth, do you have the money-bombs primed?"

"Yes, sir. They are most expensive."

"Excellent. Billfold, how are you doing in Rich-Jet 3?"

"Bark!"

"Hm, no matter how much money I give Billfold, he still refuses to speak English."

"Okay team, execute maneuver D for Dollar!" 

Fwoow Ptew Ptew Bew bew bew bew Zwoosh Blap Blap Blap Blap 

"AHHH, WE'RE BEING ATTACKED BY MONEY!" AHHHH

"Bombs Away" THUNK 

KABOOM "RESIST! YOU MUST RESIST!" "MONEY!" "RIIICHES"

"It's too much money!" "I could retire and play video games all day." Fwap Fwap

"I can take care of my family forever!" "I can afford healthcare!" "I can run for office and make a 

REAL difference!" "This is great- see ya Greengrass!"

"NOOOOOOOO!" "Good to see I could save these poor farm people from their terrible lives 

of strife-filled toil." 

"This isn't over, Richman! You hear me? THIS ISN'T OVER!" 

CHUCK. CATCH. BITE.

"My GOLD- this is truly the most delicious apple I have ever tasted." 

"That's because it was made locally by people who care and don't genetically mutate things and 

spray them with poisons in the name maximum market proliferation and profit margins." 

"Granola Greengrass, I do believe I owe you an apology. You've got something special here..."

"You mean, I've done it? I've finally made you, Richman, understand?? That the best thing 

in life are-"

"-even MORE expensive than regular things!"

Moments later... "Pull those 'dozers, boys! Pave the soil and set up that signage! Don't forget to 

charge double!" Greengra$$ Organic Produce TWICE the quality, TWICE the price!

FRE$$$$H VISAP

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" "You're a genius Greengrass."

"You might have wont this round, Richman, but the fight has just begun! YOU HAVEN'T 

HEARD THE LAST OF GRANOLA GREENGRASS!"

CRUNCH. Munch Munch Munch.

"An apple a day makes a millionaire well fed."

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